6
Dec

December 06, 2014 at 01:24PM


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December 06, 2014 at 01:24PM

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6
Dec

December 05, 2014 at 11:32PM


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December 05, 2014 at 11:32PM

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6
Dec

It’s Bro-Shopping with Tim, 2014 Edition: In which I solve Christmas shopping issues for my bros, broettes and non-brinary sibs of alternative parentage by featuring stuff my wife and some of our friends sell in a series of posts on FB. But mostly my wife, because I want the karma points and also, because she might let me see her bewbs. We’re going to start with the Aunts and Cousins tier in a bit and work in from there, over the next couple of days. Brace yourselves.

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5
Dec

This seems strangely plausible given NBCs current line up. via http://ift.tt/XYz7Ms

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27
Nov

Hour 26: Taun Taun innards now kind of clammy and meh.

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27
Nov

November 26, 2014 at 11:56PM


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November 26, 2014 at 11:56PM

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27
Nov

Hour 7: have running low on books to burn. Wife next, but may need to use Aeqo like a Taun Taun if #PSNH doesn’t get the juice back on soon.

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24
Nov

I was going to write a satirical piece on how people become congressmen, but I remembered someone else did it better. “Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk? His whole abdomen would move up and down you dig farting out the words. It was unlike anything I ever heard. This ass talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell. This man worked for a carnival you dig, and to start with it was like a novelty ventriliquist act. Real funny, too, at first. He had a number he called “The Better ‘Ole” that was a scream, I tell you. I forget most of it but it was clever. Like, “Oh I say, are you still down there, old thing?” “Nah I had to go relieve myself.” After a while the ass start talking on its own. He would go in without anything prepared and his ass would ad-lib and toss the gags back at him every time. Then it developed sort of teeth-like little raspy in-curving hooks and started eating. He thought this was cute at first and built an act around it, but the asshole would eat its way through his pants and start talking on the street, shouting out it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk, too, and have crying jags nobody loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any other mouth. Finally it talked all the time day and night, you could hear him for blocks screaming at it to shut up, and beating it with his fist, and sticking candles up it, but nothing did any good and the asshole said to him: “It’s you who will shut up in the end. Not me. Because we dont need you around here any more. I can talk and eat and shit.” After that he began waking up in the morning with a transparent jelly like a tadpole’s tail all over his mouth. This jelly was what the scientists call un-D.T., Undifferentiated Tissue, which can grow into any kind of flesh on the human body. He would tear it off his mouth and the pieces would stick to his hands like burning gasoline jelly and grow there, grow anywhere on him a glob of it fell. So finally his mouth sealed over, and the whole head would have have amputated spontaneous — (did you know there is a condition occurs in parts of Africa and only among Negroes where the little toe amputates spontaneously?) — except for the eyes you dig. Thats one thing the asshole couldn’t do was see. It needed the eyes. But nerve connections were blocked and infiltrated and atrophied so the brain couldn’t give orders any more. It was trapped in the skull, sealed off. For a while you could see the silent, helpless suffering of the brain behind the eyes, then finally the brain must have died, because the eyes went out, and there was no more feeling in them than a crab’s eyes on the end of a stalk.” –except from Naked Lunch, William S. Burroughs

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22
Nov

Dinner: BLT Dessert: Ritter Sport Espresso Chocolate with bacon.

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21
Nov

I had this conversation in a dream last night: Voice on phone: “Hi, this is Furdlblodget Greeblybumpits” Me: “Who?” Voice: “Furdlblodget Greeblybumpits” Me: “What is you username in the system?” Voice: “FDGK5598” Me: “OH! right on. I’m fixing your crap as we speak. Please use your real User ID in the future.” Voice : “but Furdlblodget Greeblybumpits is my name.” Me: “Human beings have names. End users have user IDs. You want a name, come work here and earn it.” Voice: “Earn my name? How do I do that?” Me: “Bring me the tears of a thousand users.”

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